How do I do it?  It’s extremely simple.  Come to my page Virtual Waiter/Bartender and I’ll show you how I do it.

Aside from that though, there are other reasons.  I know a lot of English tourists for example come here to shop for clothing simply because it’s much more expensive to buy back home.  It’s actually cheaper to fly here to shop and probably eat and sleep, as well.  My point is that currently $15 American dollars is equivalent to €10.23.  If some tourists are saving money overall by coming here then it shouldn’t be much of a big deal to shell out a few more converted euros to leave as a tip.

Another reason is that if every foreign tourist who came here left a tip everywhere they went to eat or drink that would put billions of dollars back into our economy, which if you haven’t noticed isn’t doing so well these days.

Lastly, when anyone, foreigner or local alike, doesn’t tip a server or bartender at all, the waiter actually ends up paying for the customer to be in the restaurant out of his own pocket.  How is that you ask?  Our government looks at the amount of money each waiter or bartender rings into the computer every shift, then assumes the percentage of that they made in tips.  When they aren’t tipped the government is still taxing them on assumed tips on that check whether they received a tip or not.

I feel that tipping is our culture here in America.  When traveling abroad I’m expected to abide by the cultures of wherever I’m traveling to.  You can be damn sure that I’m going to research them and feel embarrassed if I’m told later that I’ve insulted a local by taking part in something that’s counter to their system of operation.  That’s just me, though.  I’m sure there are still some that just don’t care either way, and hey… that’s fine.  If we’re going to live in societies like that, however, then it’s every man for himself when traveling.  Don’t ask me for directions or advice to make your stay in this country any more convienient.  Spend that money that you didn’t leave as a tip on the second taxicab you’re going to have to get when you “accidentally” end up 15 blocks north of Yankee Stadium in December at 3AM when no one cares enough to look out for you on a human level.  I’d rather we just didn’t go there.

As to the perception that a given customer only gets “a few minutes” of our time.

 

Before you arrived we rolled your silverware.  Before you arrived we set your table.

We brewed your tea/coffee, sliced your lemons Set up whatever “complimentary” foodstuffs our restaurant offers, etc.

 

When you arrived we greeted you. Brought you drinks, rolls, chips, relish, tortillas, biscuits, scones, creamer, a few more napkins, the fresh salsa not the 15 min. old crap, and strawberry preserves, not just grape jelly.

 

We took your entire party’s order, easy if it’s off the menu, harder if it begins with “All I really want is….” and we convert it from what makes perfect sense to you into something our cook will be able to glance at prioritize and properly prepare, even if what you want never thought of being on a menu.

 

We get your third refill, and of course there’s no problem with bringing more biscuits.

 

We bring your food. Find out what you really wanted, which may look remarkably like whatever your friend, or the table next to you ordered.

 

We return with your new order (our fault entirely, happens all the time, evil menus)

 

Refill.  Bring dessert.

 

Accept your payment, making change from our own money and taking the financial risk on ourselves that you’ll skip.

 

All while dodging your kid, waiting for you to interrupt your cell phone call to talk to us, and paying a percentage of your bill out to hostesses, busboys, bartenders and food runners whether we get tipped or not so that management doesn’t have to pay minimum wage to any of them.

 

And we get to do it for four + tables at once.

 

And we get to clean up afterwards!!! Wheee!!!!

 

Assuming you’re going tip at all (and the IRS assumes you are, also, so they just go ahead and tax me on the amount of your check whether you do or don’t).

 

Yeah I guess 10% sounds more than adequate.

 

P.S. If we all got better jobs, no one would be there to wait on your crabby ass, and if you wanted to get it your own damn self you’d be having a hungry-man ™ right now.

 

“Thank y’all for coming in! You have a great evening!”

 

Every other table has left. Every other server has left. All the busboys and runners, it seems, are sitting at table 40 in their street clothes staring at me because they want to get “tipped out”. Even the manager seems like he has a date with Jessica Simpson in fifteen minutes because he keeps poking his head out of the office to see if everyone’s gone.

My lone table sits there, a young couple in their late twenties, done sharing their creme brulee over 45 minutes ago, now holding hands across the table caught up in a perpetual gaze. So… what should I do?

First off, I don’t want to be rude and get a bad tip from my last table: A) It’s a bad finish to a long night to get a horrible tip and maybe piss them off enough to call up and complain to a manager tomorrow (that would start tomorrow off bad) B) The check is big enough for me not to want to lose any of it. The only important thing in the world right now is that universal sky scribble meaning they want the check.

Here is what you can do:

I would start with eye contact first. If you’re fortunate enough to be able to create an audible diversion (crashing silverware, perhaps) you might be able to break their love gaze and get them looking at you who is now giving them the stare-down of a lifetime (and trust me nothing short of Doc Holliday’s steely stare at the OK Corral will work).

Then there’s, “Is there anything else I can get you?” You say this because you know that there’s nothing these fools could still possibly want except the check.

If that doesn’t work, move on to “disassembling their tent”. That means: clear off everything from their table not nailed down. Take away the dishes, coffee cups, spoons, sugar, creamer, candles and yes… even the decorative little vase with the flowers. Everything. This should get the point across.

If not… we move on to something a little less subtle. I call it, “Dousing the flames”. You can’t camp without a fire. If you have access to the sound system and it won’t get you in trouble, KILL THE MUSIC. Music is a mood setter. Once the music is gone, so is the mood. Nothing makes campers more uncomfortable than a silent empty room. Except… and this one is tricky, Kill some of the lights, if possible. Now, I’m not talking about the main floor lights, I’m talking about something within one of their peripherals or over the others shoulder. Maybe in a party room or unused service station. “Dousing the flames” is effective. try it.

My very last suggetion, and you can only use it if you’ve already dropped the check but they won’t put money in it or sign their credit card receipt. It’s called “Kill em with kindness”. No more games. Even though you know they haven’t signed/payed you keep making trips to the table and picking up the check as if you assume there’s money in there. Then you say, “Thank you so much! Let me get this out of the way for you!” Then they should finally sign the credit card receipt or give you some form of payment. If not, repeat this one every 3 minutes until they do.

Now you know how to successfully send a camper packing and headed for their next destination.

and bartenders is pretty simple:

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